WHAT FATHERS ARE MADE OF

Loving and patience. Love, patience and little bit of more love. Yes, that was my Dad!

When I was growing up I use to doubt if my mom really loved me or my sisters. I remember clearly always questioning this. Why was she always so angry, so mad? Why is she screaming at me so much? Why did she need to be telling us all the time what to do, how to do it, and never letting us do the things we wanted? Why? 

My father on the other hand, was just joy and love. We would run to see him and never run from him. He would save us so many times from my mom’s harsh disciplinary methodology, (we use to run behind his legs from my mom’s big smacks or belts smacks)... My dad was a loving father, but not just because of that of course. But because he could never explode. I never saw him in my entire life being taken over his passions, or shouting or angry. He was always calm and constantly carrying a half smile in his face.

But don’t get me wrong here, I love my mom as much as my dad, but my memories about my mom are a little bit more about how she disciplined us every time, and not so much of how she loved us, unfortunately. But now, that I am a mother too I can completely understand where she was coming from. I can see myself many times doing exactly the same things, in the same way with my own kids, as my mom did with us. So do I too love them less? Absolutely not, nor did my mom love us less. 

Love and discipline: it is a hard combination, and if used in the wrong dose it can become indulgence and anger. Many times I need to police myself to not let my frustrations turn into anger and loud shouts. My ultimate goal as a mother is to be free from all passion. I read in a book where it says: “Never correct in anger. You should correct your children in love. Do not let them have their own way until you get angry, and then punish them”. ...“Children have sensitive, loving natures. They are easily pleased and easily made unhappy. By gentle discipline, in loving words and acts, mothers may bind their children to their hearts. To manifest severity and to be exacting with children are great mistakes. Uniform firmness and un-impassioned control are necessary to the discipline of every family. Say what you mean calmly, move with consideration and carry out what you say without deviation.”... Never should parents cause their children pain by harshness or unreasonable exactions. ... ”Some children will soon forget a wrong that is done to them by father and mother; but other children who are differently constituted cannot forget severe, unreasonable punishment which they did not deserve. Thus their souls are injured, and their minds bewildered.”

Well, thank you God that we always can learn in life and change. I just hope I can somehow  do right by my kids. I am trying to be like my father, but I fear that being a mother just makes us more likely to be doing all the disciplinary work that leads us too close to being angry and frustrated so many times. So at the end we are just like Moms.

My father is no longer around, at least active present, in my life. After his stroke, he was left so impaired that seems like it’s just a shell left in there. He is there but not there. He is lost inside his own body, unable to come out, locked by in his own dysfunctional brain. I miss my dad deeply and more and more I want to be like him. He was full of love and understanding, never judgmental toward others, always prompt to help, a person that could never say no. My father, instead of “No,” would say, “let’s see... Let’s wait and see what I can do.” He made us believe in the possibilities, when he said “let’s wait and see.” He feed my dreams this way. He taught me patience with that. He made me feel loved. He did something very special and not only him but all his other brothers have the very same attitude. They were able to separate the things that kids do for just being a kid, seeing more like a limitation of age and never imposing adult standards for kids. This is what makes really hard for a child to thrive, ask a child to act like an adult while she is still a child. My father made me feel loved. And that is the mother I want to be for my kids. A loving mother like my loving Father.

MOTHER = GUILT

Dear all, 

Of all the things about motherhood, the one thing that bothers me the most is the guilt that comes with it. 

Being a mother means feeling guilty. You are constantly feeling guilty about something. You feel guilty if you are working outside of the house, you feel guilty if you decided to quit your job to raise your children, you feel guilty if you never worked, you feel guilty if you worked but never really felt you accomplished enough professionally. You feel guilty about the food your kids eat or don’t eat, guilty about if the house is not organized, guilty about how you punish your kids, guilty thinking that you haven't done enough for your kids or guilty that you are doing too much for them. Guilty for everything. Oh the guilt, guilt, guilt guilt. 

As my dear old friend Merriam Webster defines — guilt: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.  

Imagined offenses or sense of inadequacy? Yes, that is us, moms. As you can see, feeling it is not a concrete thing, most of the times the guilty feeling is placed in our minds by ourselves, we create these monsters. Save for the times when disgraceful people try to plant this seed in us.

The tricky thing in life is how to get guilt-free. It requires a lot of work and discipline. When you start to feel guilty about something that really drains and consumes you, try “Inattention disorder” , It comes very handy. I recommend this one, just let it go, don’t hold on to these destructive feelings.

Being a mother is the most beautiful job in the world, but also the hardest job in the world. And we are all doing our best or at least trying.

But at the same time, being a mother is one of the most difficult tasks of a human being. The responsibility of raising a child, so that he is up to society's standards, qualified socially, emotionally, academically, and also healthy, rests on our shoulders. No wonder we feel so guilty, drained and consumed by our own feelings of inadequacy all the time. It is by far the hardest job in the world. You can either ruin a person's future life or help them succeed. How can we even think about guilt-free here, are you kidding?

On the other hand, people have their own choices in life (later on), and it doesn’t matter how hard we have worked helping them, they still will make their own choices, for good or for bad.

However, as the primary caretaker, it is our responsibility to guide, discipline and train them on the right path. There is no space in motherhood for being lazy, not even for 5 minutes. We need to be on top of everything all the time, everyday, all day, again and again. There is never time to rest. But there is a lot of time for pray, begging  and pleading for Help. Which always brings peace and relief. Just try this one, I highly recommend it.

You are not the only one in the world

Dear all, 

I don’t know how many of you have been struggling over motherhood, thinking that you are not capable enough, perhaps even feeling that you are probably the worst mother of the group around you...

You look around and see so many kids more behaved than yours, more put together than yours, better listeners than yours... and the list goes on. They are everywhere, in the supermarket, in the parking lot, in the line, in the playground. 

How that is even possible? They are all over. 

And for your discontentment of course it’s just one more reminder that these other mothers must know something that you don’t, they must do something really right that you are not. And you just walk away in amazement and despair, wondering how they do it, what they do, why they do and why not you? Why am I not capable of doing the same? Why me, why can’t I?

You try so hard again and again. You are exhausted. Sometime it works sometimes it doesn’t.

And then one day you come up with a really clever idea thinking to yourself "now I get it," just to later on find out that it only worked on that first time with your kids, maybe if you are really, lucky two or three times more. But at this point you already have spread the news around the globe to other mothers. Telling them how you just figured out an way of dealing with such and such subject. And these other creatures that are in despair as much as you are, run with  praises for such a good idea, carrying with them this new tactic read to apply on the next motherhood battle.

If they only knew that all this new advice of yours comes with a silent disclaimer “Do not try this (more then once) at home unless under an “adult” supervision” (ha ha ha ha)... because it may fail and it will, believe me I have tried before.

If you are related with these frustrations above, know that you are not alone. You are not the only one in the world that is feeling this way.

Know that there is hope for mortals like us that fail all the time but keep trying. There is proofing of Existing Help that can be reached. The secret is just to let to be reached.